As i have not updated this blog in a long time, i have decided to use it for writing down my thoughts and to get things of my chest.
For quite a few months now i have undergone a radical change in the way i think, feel and look upon life. After having spent a year in and out of hospital with unexplained symptoms of fainting, cramping and being sick i have become aware that this can only be due to mental stress. The mind can only take so much, and once it is on overload there has to be a point where it shuts down, so therefore my shut down was blacking out, throwing up and fits of cramping. Of course, my first thought when all this occured was that there is something physicaly wrong with me, but after having undergone all the tests and check throughs, i must say that apart from a little high colerstoral level i´m as fit as a fiddle.
This then made me think about why and when do these episodes occure, and found out it was always after or during extreem stress situations or if i have been very upset. So in knowledge of all this, i started looking for a solution and started meditating. Believe me, it was not easy at first. When your mind is wandering here there everywhere and you are being bombarded with one thought chasing another it is difficult to empty your mind and switch off. But with time and patcience it became easier and easier so that i can now sit down every morning and start the day with a short deep meditation.
Unfortunatly meditation alone is not the answer. I have had to go in myself and work through some deep sitting issues. Was it pleasant? Absolutely not. I had to take a hard look at myself, my past life and my present. There are things that i have to forgive and leave behind me in the past as they are no longer relevant in my present life. If i dont leave them behind then they will continue to poison my thoughs and my present and future. And i have had to change the way i look and react to other people.
One very big issue is my “Family” They have made me an outcast for speaking about the sexual abuse i have suffered at the hands of our father. It took me a long time to be able to talk about the issue, and it all was made possible one night many years agon in france when 2 of my sisters and i had a little too much to drink. My younger sister admitted that she had known all those years about what had happened as she had wittnessed it, and by her reaction to men in her own life i am very sure that she had undergone the same experience at the hands of him even thou she can not admit or talk about it. (Fortunately it never came to the actual rape by my father, but sexual interference and grooming for months on end calling it sexual education. It stopped, when i told a schoolfriend of mine what was happening at the time, she told my older sister who then told my mother who then questioned me about it. When i told her what had happened, she called me a whore ( i was about 12 or 13 at the time) and slapped me around the face ripping out my earing. After that the abuse stopped thou. Thank you mom………..)
Having been abused by several men in my past (even before my fathers interference with me), i grew up believing that i was at fault and that there must be some sort of invisible stamp that attracted those sort of men for a very long time. I was subsequently raped when i was 18 and even attempted suicide but only as a cry for help. Unfortuntaly there was none and so i survived by pushing it out of my mind and living in denial.
It took me a long time to accept that i was not at fault and that these men including my father were actualy very sick people. At 16 i ran away from home and lived by myself in germany (that was the time when the rape happened) but after a year and a half nearly 2 years out on my own i was found and returned back to my family in england. The relationship between my parents and me was strange, as noone seemed to remember what had happened and therefore i eliminated it out of my mind, until that fatefull night in france.
After that my sisters and I talked often about it, and the youngest sister wanted all the details asking if her daughters were in danger. I told her that i would not be digging up the dirt of the past, but for her to keep her eye on her daughters not leaving them alone with my father. When my other Niece was diagnosed by a doctor to have been sexually abused, i felt sick to the stomach and so did my sister in france, as we both didnt understand how our other sister ( i have 4 sisters and 2 brothers) could leave her baby daughter ( I think she was 2 at the time) with that man whom she admitted had sexually asaulted her (which she told some members of the family when she was drunk. Oh the positive effects of alkohol. ) She then proceeded to call the doctor a liar and continued leaving her daughter to sleep in the bed of our father and let him change her nappy etc. Even less can i understand the motives of my mother letting this happen with her knowing what he had done to me.
My own relationship with my parents was quite good for a few years because i had moved to germany where i met and married my soulmate. My parents came several times a year and stayed with us, and it was like any other normal family gathering. The only sign that there was something wrong, was me clinging to the car door handle if i was ever alone in the car with my father (or any other man and at 40 years plus). Things were still ok when we moved to the Canary islands, but then things spiraled out of control. An Argument with my father over the telephone put a stop to the contact and i recalled suddenly everything that he had done to me in the past. I realised that the no contact and the distance was actually doing me good, and that he was becomming more and more like a stranger. Yes, my sister in france confirmed that it was the same for her, and i was glad that i was not “abnormal”. As my father became ill, and no doctor could fathom what was wrong, i scoured the internet daily and suggested to my youngest sister what the doctors could be looking for, after all he was still my father and i did want to have a talk with him about what had happened to try to understand. Unfortunatly, he died a few months later and i never got the chance to have that talk.
That was the time i was made an outcast. Suddenly my family disowned me. I was told not to attend the funeral (even thou i had flown over especially) and to stay away from my mother as i was a “shit stirer and a liar” Even the sisters who had gone through the same didnt pick up the phone anymore and wanted nothing to do with me. Lies were told and threats were made. So, once again the victim was made into the villain.
Well, that is the short version of it all, it followed and stressed me for many many years, but i have now learnt to forgive not only them, but also my father. I am hoping that writing this down will now stop it from re entering my mind now and then. I need peace in my life, and do not want to carry this old balast with me, dragging me down and affecting my present life.
I am still working on myself, i have yet to learn to not to react to situations in a negative way, but try to proceed with love and understanding. Not always easy for someone as hot tempered as me, but im getting better at it.