I know that noone reads this anymore so i´m using this to get rid of my frustration and vent my personal feelings.
Since comming back to Gran Canaria i have become aware of how much i sometimes resent being in the position I´m in. Surely there are many women that think exactly like me and are in the same position. Whilst in England, I only had myself to care for, clean up after myself and occasionaly look after my grandchildren. Upon returning to the Canary Islands and “my home” i was devastated. The house looked as if it hadn´t been cleaned or touched for all the time i had been gone (1 year) I had to bite my tongue, but inwardly felt like crying
Everywhere I looked, it was dirty, grimy and dusty. Ok, i dont expect a man to be spotless, but……. He had of course tidied the livingroom and kitchen before my return, but everywhere else it looked like a disaster zone. All the animals had fleas, and i dont even want to mention the garden. Now I must mention that I am not the best houswife in the world, I HATE CLEANING, but I had my moments when I needed to get stuck in. Many things are now broken or need repairing and the house needs a new lick of paint.
Over the last few months I have begun to try and get some sort of order back into the house, but I am finding it exceptionaly difficult. Dont get me wrong, there are some days where I clean one room from top to bottom, and have also finaly managed to get rid of the bags and bags of rubish which were piling up in the lower toiletroom and made it usable again. I have thrown away heaps of things that have acumulated over the years and when I was finished i was extreemly proud of myself. Unfortunatly there are days where I can not get myself to touch a single thing in the house or motivate myself to even do the washing up. Why is this?????
Well, maybe the fact that I feel unhappy has a lot to do with it. I am in the position where I ” go to work, look after the animals, cook, clean, do the washing, do the shopping” and all this without any help. I dare not even ask for help from my husband as his answer is either to throw me a offended look and storm off in a huff, or he says leave it, it doesnt bother me…………..
In his eyes it is my problem. OK maybe he is right, it is my problem that i dont want to live in a filthy house, it is my problem that i have to look after the animals, after all, i was the one who rescued them, and it is my problem that i cook and clean, he is far to busy with his work and himself. As for work, I have to work so we can survive.
So, what does he do??? he spends his time working in his office, watches documentaries, lying on the terace, meditating and sleeping, thinking about how he can improve himself or our situation. This is his life, so very different from mine. When I go shopping, I have to consider what to buy and if the money will last to the end of the month. He, still smokes his carton of cigarets a week and orders the things he “needs” for his work online.
At the moment i can not see anything positive. I am down in the mouth and feel like running away. Hmmmm maybe i should, but then again where would i run to??? My life at the moment is such a mess. I spent all my lif looking after people. First my son, then my mother as my father left her (until he returned) after that, my husband and child, my grandchildren, my clients whilst working as a carer and of course the rescue animals. Where did this get me…… I feel more lonely than ever before in my life. Everything get´s thrown back into my face, my son resents me and has broken of the contact and all because I did not agree with the way he was handling a situation with his son. When reminding him how he was at that age, He saw it as an attack on himself and became quite insulting and hurtfull. Parents make mistakes, and yes i have made many, but we learn from our mistakes and try to share the information so that our children dont make the same mistakes or learn from them.
My own mother has been absent from my life for several years now as she believes the lies told by some of my siblings. That chapter has been closed as there is no need to punish myself for that situation. Sexual abuse in the family is never acceptable, and refusing to believe it has happened does not make it unbelievable. My feeling at the moment is to close more chapters in my life. Just how far this will go….. No idea, but we will see.
How much longer will this go on? No idea, All I know is that i am comming to the end of my mental and physical strength.