At the moment i am so f…ing angry. Merlin is ill/injured and even tho we have tried to help him at home, he needs to go to see the Vet. I have explained to Hape that i am unable to go there as i fear that i will have another break down. Well, he insists that i have to go with him. At the moment i feel like crying
I know that noone reads this anymore so i´m using this to get rid of my frustration and vent my personal feelings.
Since comming back to Gran Canaria i have become aware of how much i sometimes resent being in the position I´m in. Surely there are many women that think exactly like me and are in the same position. Whilst in England, I only had myself to care for, clean up after myself and occasionaly look after my grandchildren. Upon returning to the Canary Islands and “my home” i was devastated. The house looked as if it hadn´t been cleaned or touched for all the time i had been gone (1 year) I had to bite my tongue, but inwardly felt like crying
Everywhere I looked, it was dirty, grimy and dusty. Ok, i dont expect a man to be spotless, but……. He had of course tidied the livingroom and kitchen before my return, but everywhere else it looked like a disaster zone. All the animals had fleas, and i dont even want to mention the garden. Now I must mention that I am not the best houswife in the world, I HATE CLEANING, but I had my moments when I needed to get stuck in. Many things are now broken or need repairing and the house needs a new lick of paint.
Over the last few months I have begun to try and get some sort of order back into the house, but I am finding it exceptionaly difficult. Dont get me wrong, there are some days where I clean one room from top to bottom, and have also finaly managed to get rid of the bags and bags of rubish which were piling up in the lower toiletroom and made it usable again. I have thrown away heaps of things that have acumulated over the years and when I was finished i was extreemly proud of myself. Unfortunatly there are days where I can not get myself to touch a single thing in the house or motivate myself to even do the washing up. Why is this?????
Well, maybe the fact that I feel unhappy has a lot to do with it. I am in the position where I ” go to work, look after the animals, cook, clean, do the washing, do the shopping” and all this without any help. I dare not even ask for help from my husband as his answer is either to throw me a offended look and storm off in a huff, or he says leave it, it doesnt bother me…………..
In his eyes it is my problem. OK maybe he is right, it is my problem that i dont want to live in a filthy house, it is my problem that i have to look after the animals, after all, i was the one who rescued them, and it is my problem that i cook and clean, he is far to busy with his work and himself. As for work, I have to work so we can survive.
So, what does he do??? he spends his time working in his office, watches documentaries, lying on the terace, meditating and sleeping, thinking about how he can improve himself or our situation. This is his life, so very different from mine. When I go shopping, I have to consider what to buy and if the money will last to the end of the month. He, still smokes his carton of cigarets a week and orders the things he “needs” for his work online.
At the moment i can not see anything positive. I am down in the mouth and feel like running away. Hmmmm maybe i should, but then again where would i run to??? My life at the moment is such a mess. I spent all my lif looking after people. First my son, then my mother as my father left her (until he returned) after that, my husband and child, my grandchildren, my clients whilst working as a carer and of course the rescue animals. Where did this get me…… I feel more lonely than ever before in my life. Everything get´s thrown back into my face, my son resents me and has broken of the contact and all because I did not agree with the way he was handling a situation with his son. When reminding him how he was at that age, He saw it as an attack on himself and became quite insulting and hurtfull. Parents make mistakes, and yes i have made many, but we learn from our mistakes and try to share the information so that our children dont make the same mistakes or learn from them.
My own mother has been absent from my life for several years now as she believes the lies told by some of my siblings. That chapter has been closed as there is no need to punish myself for that situation. Sexual abuse in the family is never acceptable, and refusing to believe it has happened does not make it unbelievable. My feeling at the moment is to close more chapters in my life. Just how far this will go….. No idea, but we will see.
How much longer will this go on? No idea, All I know is that i am comming to the end of my mental and physical strength.
Living here on this island is a challenge. Everyone envies you being able to spend your life somewhere, where others spend their holidays. Unfortunatly reality is quite different. Living here can be hard if you are expecting the comforts of home. In the south the cost of living is astronomically high, and when you move further afield, you have to give up a lot of your expectacions. Things like running water 24/7 is not something you should take for granted as the town only switches it on 2 x a week and so you have to make do with whatever reservoirs you have. If they are empty, then bad luck until the next fill up. Electricity is another thing where it can realy stump you. These old houses were neither built for the cold or damp so therefore plugging in a heater is only possible if you have nothing else plugged in or it will blow the fuse.
But, living far away from the tourist atractional south, does have it´s benefits. You are surounded from beautiful countryside (Well in the north at least, the south is more bleak and dry) flowers all year round and peace and quiet. Evens so, as i get older, i miss the family connection. As a grandparent, you should be seeing your little ones on a regular basis, and be able to take them of the hands of their parents the odd weekend or two which gives them all a break from each other. That is the one thing that is causing me big problems at the moment. We are not getting any younger and we are missing out on so much. Grandparents have the DUTY to pass on their wissdom to the Grandchildren and to be the buffingpost when things are tough at home.
Maybe its time for a move???? But, could i settle back in the UK??? not sure about that.
As i have not updated this blog in a long time, i have decided to use it for writing down my thoughts and to get things of my chest.
For quite a few months now i have undergone a radical change in the way i think, feel and look upon life. After having spent a year in and out of hospital with unexplained symptoms of fainting, cramping and being sick i have become aware that this can only be due to mental stress. The mind can only take so much, and once it is on overload there has to be a point where it shuts down, so therefore my shut down was blacking out, throwing up and fits of cramping. Of course, my first thought when all this occured was that there is something physicaly wrong with me, but after having undergone all the tests and check throughs, i must say that apart from a little high colerstoral level i´m as fit as a fiddle.
This then made me think about why and when do these episodes occure, and found out it was always after or during extreem stress situations or if i have been very upset. So in knowledge of all this, i started looking for a solution and started meditating. Believe me, it was not easy at first. When your mind is wandering here there everywhere and you are being bombarded with one thought chasing another it is difficult to empty your mind and switch off. But with time and patcience it became easier and easier so that i can now sit down every morning and start the day with a short deep meditation.
Unfortunatly meditation alone is not the answer. I have had to go in myself and work through some deep sitting issues. Was it pleasant? Absolutely not. I had to take a hard look at myself, my past life and my present. There are things that i have to forgive and leave behind me in the past as they are no longer relevant in my present life. If i dont leave them behind then they will continue to poison my thoughs and my present and future. And i have had to change the way i look and react to other people.
One very big issue is my “Family” They have made me an outcast for speaking about the sexual abuse i have suffered at the hands of our father. It took me a long time to be able to talk about the issue, and it all was made possible one night many years agon in france when 2 of my sisters and i had a little too much to drink. My younger sister admitted that she had known all those years about what had happened as she had wittnessed it, and by her reaction to men in her own life i am very sure that she had undergone the same experience at the hands of him even thou she can not admit or talk about it. (Fortunately it never came to the actual rape by my father, but sexual interference and grooming for months on end calling it sexual education. It stopped, when i told a schoolfriend of mine what was happening at the time, she told my older sister who then told my mother who then questioned me about it. When i told her what had happened, she called me a whore ( i was about 12 or 13 at the time) and slapped me around the face ripping out my earing. After that the abuse stopped thou. Thank you mom………..)
Having been abused by several men in my past (even before my fathers interference with me), i grew up believing that i was at fault and that there must be some sort of invisible stamp that attracted those sort of men for a very long time. I was subsequently raped when i was 18 and even attempted suicide but only as a cry for help. Unfortuntaly there was none and so i survived by pushing it out of my mind and living in denial.
It took me a long time to accept that i was not at fault and that these men including my father were actualy very sick people. At 16 i ran away from home and lived by myself in germany (that was the time when the rape happened) but after a year and a half nearly 2 years out on my own i was found and returned back to my family in england. The relationship between my parents and me was strange, as noone seemed to remember what had happened and therefore i eliminated it out of my mind, until that fatefull night in france.
After that my sisters and I talked often about it, and the youngest sister wanted all the details asking if her daughters were in danger. I told her that i would not be digging up the dirt of the past, but for her to keep her eye on her daughters not leaving them alone with my father. When my other Niece was diagnosed by a doctor to have been sexually abused, i felt sick to the stomach and so did my sister in france, as we both didnt understand how our other sister ( i have 4 sisters and 2 brothers) could leave her baby daughter ( I think she was 2 at the time) with that man whom she admitted had sexually asaulted her (which she told some members of the family when she was drunk. Oh the positive effects of alkohol. ) She then proceeded to call the doctor a liar and continued leaving her daughter to sleep in the bed of our father and let him change her nappy etc. Even less can i understand the motives of my mother letting this happen with her knowing what he had done to me.
My own relationship with my parents was quite good for a few years because i had moved to germany where i met and married my soulmate. My parents came several times a year and stayed with us, and it was like any other normal family gathering. The only sign that there was something wrong, was me clinging to the car door handle if i was ever alone in the car with my father (or any other man and at 40 years plus). Things were still ok when we moved to the Canary islands, but then things spiraled out of control. An Argument with my father over the telephone put a stop to the contact and i recalled suddenly everything that he had done to me in the past. I realised that the no contact and the distance was actually doing me good, and that he was becomming more and more like a stranger. Yes, my sister in france confirmed that it was the same for her, and i was glad that i was not “abnormal”. As my father became ill, and no doctor could fathom what was wrong, i scoured the internet daily and suggested to my youngest sister what the doctors could be looking for, after all he was still my father and i did want to have a talk with him about what had happened to try to understand. Unfortunatly, he died a few months later and i never got the chance to have that talk.
That was the time i was made an outcast. Suddenly my family disowned me. I was told not to attend the funeral (even thou i had flown over especially) and to stay away from my mother as i was a “shit stirer and a liar” Even the sisters who had gone through the same didnt pick up the phone anymore and wanted nothing to do with me. Lies were told and threats were made. So, once again the victim was made into the villain.
Well, that is the short version of it all, it followed and stressed me for many many years, but i have now learnt to forgive not only them, but also my father. I am hoping that writing this down will now stop it from re entering my mind now and then. I need peace in my life, and do not want to carry this old balast with me, dragging me down and affecting my present life.
I am still working on myself, i have yet to learn to not to react to situations in a negative way, but try to proceed with love and understanding. Not always easy for someone as hot tempered as me, but im getting better at it.
Living on this rock has his positive as well as its negative sides. Unfortunatly one of the negative aspects is that your own countrymen begrudge anything you have or achive and they dont. No, it is not just the Brits that are like that, its the Germans, the Norwegen,s as a matter of fact just any minority where they gather and sit on top of each other. Another thing that makes my blood boil is that they expect the locals to bend to their sense of morality and living. Yes it is anoying when you have animals and the fireworks frighten the living daylights out of them, and unfortunatly the Canarians love to celebrate with noise and it doesnt matter what time of day it is. But come on, did we realy emigrate to be then caught in the strict rules of “the cicilised world” that tell us how to live and what to do??? I think not.
Many have emigrated for the sun, the sea and the freedom to live life more relaxed. It seems thou that some people just can not live life without being told what and when to do it. Live and let live. Join in the fun or just return to where you feel safe and understood.
Another thing that makes me mad is the arrogance with which poeple expect the canarians to put up with their impudence. Would anyone dare to walk into a cafe in their home town ordering just a cup of hot water and then proceeding to make a cup of coffe by digging out a jar of instant out of their bag? I think not. I am always suprised how the waitresses keep a straight face. The coffe here on the island is realy delicious, and that someone actualy brings some instant muck is more than embarrasing. To top it all, the bill is then carefully checked to see that the hot water has not been chargd for. I must admit, i wished at that moment the earth would open up and swallow me. Guess who wont be meeting up for coffe again.
Living well away from the tourist hotspots has it´s advantages. We have peace and quiet here and can grow our own veg. Ok, it gets lonely up here sometimes, but you cant have everything. The weather is more european up here too, and whilst the south is bathed in the sunshine, we often have rain or clouds, and this summer seems to become a wash out as we are hit with lots of rain and low lying gray clouds. Thankfully i manage to get off the rock sometimes to be able to see the other side of life and why we are here and no longer there.
I think it is about time that i re-started my english blog, so here it goes.
Living on Gran Canaria has its ups and downs and we have lived through quite a lot of them. One of the negative things is that you are so far away from family and friends. With our son living in Todmorden and us here it is quite difficult at times to lend a helping hand when it is needed althou we do try our hardest. I have spent a lot of time the last few years flying back and forth to England to look after the kids during holidays and trying to be there birthdays and christmas. Yes i have enjoyed it as i do miss the little buggers when i dont see them, but after a few weeks of constant Nana here Nana there im always glad to get back home to the peace and quiet and of course the warm weather.
I have made some very dear friends in Todmorden, and now that our son has got married and is moving, i will miss the daily catch ups with Stacey and Karen when i am in england. These two ladies are amazing. Always ready to lend a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on if needed. Yes i will go to see them when im over, but……….. its not the same as living next door.